Walk My Talk
I’m almost 50 years old and I’m still seeking for my dad’s approval. For him to see me, really see me. And value me for who I am. To the contrary, I teach my children that it doesn’t matter what I think or their dad thinks or what any one else thinks about them.
Once in a while, though, especially with my parents, I get this courageous energy that rises up from within. I send off an email in an attempt to stand my ground and open my heart and soul. But instead of creating a connection through my vulnerability, it creates a push back that feels so distant that I feel like a little girl again. Just yearning for my dad to see me.
Over the years, it was much easier to keep the peace by keeping my mouth shut. Allowing him to have free reign to say and do whatever he wishes… no matter how hurtful. He is quick to judge. Quick to complain. And quick to separate himself from others.
I’m tired of being judged. I’m tired of the complaining and the distance he puts between us, whenever I find the courage to speak my truth.
As I sit and weep from the pain of old memories and fading hopes, my 12 yo daughter witnesses my struggle. How can I work through this so as not pass this burden on to her… or my son. That to seek approval from anyone, is misguided and ultimately disappointing.
Why is it so important that I want him to see me? I feel through the years there has been some distortion or inappropriate perceptions on his part. I just wanted to be daddy’s little girl. My mom asked him to move out of the home when I was 5. She made some choices that separated the family.
His heart broke. I could feel it. I could see it in his eyes. I heard the bitterness, the anger, the fear. Did he know my heart was breaking? What did he see when he looked into my eyes? Did he know I was angry and afraid?
My feelings were pushed aside. When he hurt, I hurt. I knew there wasn’t anyway to deal with all the emotions if I added mine to the mix. He was struggling enough as it was. So with my young little mind, I acclimated myself to sense the environment and hold that quiet little space of peace-keeper. Rocking the boat, was volatile, with him or my mom. There was no tolerance for it.
The peacekeeper role is exhausting. To be so sensitive as to predict, and set forth thoughtful words and actions that supported the agonizing parent. I quickly became lost. Who am I?
My whole life I have felt misunderstood. Didn’t feel like I had been given the opportunity to express myself. I had become quite the observer. I had seen many ways in which not to conduct myself, without guidance on how to appropriately and positively express what was going in my head, my heart, my soul, and my body. If someone had put the spotlight on me, I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway, as I was lost in the sea of what was best for her… or for him.
Perhaps, my feelings of being misunderstood, comes from a desire to truly know myself. How can I ask others to know me, if I don’t myself. How can they know me if I am too afraid and unwilling to share?
But, this brings me back to the origination of this dialogue with myself… when I do finally brave my world and shine my light in a most loving and neutral manner, I am not accepted.
What is my dad really thinking when I voice my observation or opinion? Is it his own insecurities that creates the separation, or does he feel that I am out of line, or does he wish that I would keep my mouth shut, because he was fine believing what he was believing and doesn’t need me to interject?
I have spent most of my life being silent. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I started making choices for my self. It has been extremely uplifting and empowering. I am not about to stop now. I do have a voice, and I have no apologies on this one. Those silent observing years have taught me to be compassionate and thoughtful with my words. I have learned to respond rather than react and find great comfort in where I am and how I discern my information.
I don’t know what the future holds for me and my dad. Before starting this writing tonight, I was done. I was tired of trying and then facing these set-backs. But now, I am just wanting to move forward and continue to reveal myself when I feel the time is right.
It hurts my soul that those I want such strong relations with don’t reciprocate. That those I wish to spend quality time with in deep and meaningful conversation don’t want to take the time so we can get to know one another. I don’t have time for the petty stuff. But, if you want to take the time to get “real” with me AND yourself… my god what fun we can have!
My husband said to my daughter, while I shared my distress earlier, that she need not worry about anyone else’s approval. It’s what she feels about herself that is what matters. I know that! I know better than to sit here and cry over not feeling my father’s approval. I tell my children that seeking my approval, or any others, is not their job. That is not why they are on this planet. So, I guess this is a lesson for me to practice what I preach.
I’m gonna keep it real. Continue to share my compassionate and empathetic heart, and if you can’t handle what I have to say, well… that’s on you. No regrets… only growth, expansion and joy! Joy in being ME.